I am thinking these days of what it means to be a mom. A bit of reflection has brought me to the conclusion that I have a hard time being anything BUT a mom. I no longer sing in the choir that I enjoy so much, I no longer run with my hands free (literally and I guess I could say metaphorically as well), and every "break" I take from watching my girl I think about how she's doing and wonder if she's okay. I have, however, recently agreed to join a soccer team which is a huge step towards finding a long lost part of me. Before having a child, soccer and music were what defined me. Now, with little interaction in either hobby, I am left with living for somebody else and finding ways to define myself through other actions.
I don't mean for this post to sound as if I don't appreciate my life as a mom, but I believe all moms realize sooner or later they have a hard time being anything outside of a mom. I love Kaya more than words can say and at the same time I love the freedom I felt without the responsibility of watching out for my baby. My point is, I've cast aside all other things that defined me since becoming a mom and I am scared to know that I will probably have to find more to be than a mom when Kaya is all grown up. How will I do that? After many years of having dedicated my heart and soul to her, how will I be able to be anything other than a mom?
Another thing, I do not discredit what it means to be a mom. I don't mean to say "other than a mom" as an insult or to sound as if I mean "just a mom". Being a mom means the world to me and I have never felt more like a woman than I do now, protecting my young and showing her how to live freely and peacefully. I'm undoubtedly honored. Even so, there is still a lingering anguish, knowing I have been other things in the past and that I loved being those things. And I lament over having lost those parts of me, at least for the time being. I want so badly to balance my past self with my current self and feel it is impossible.
One of the most intriguing parts of being a mom I have discovered is that sometimes I feel more alone than I have ever felt before. Odd, because we have new life around! But, friends I think or thought I had lose touch, people who I used to understand, I don't understand anymore and similarly, people I didn't understand before, I understand better now. But in all the day-to-day of raising Kaya, I somehow never see anybody, let alone talk to anybody. There are days I feel like I might as well have not even said a word. The world we live in can be so strange. We spend all of our time getting through the day so we can hurry up and get to the next. I am upset that I don't get to be a family with Matt. He works more than 40 hours a week and misses a lot of the things that Kaya and I do together. I'm afraid he may miss hearing her first word, or seeing her really crawl for the first time, or walk even. I don't understand how we (as a people) have allowed ourselves to let life pass us by. Why do we live in a system where we are stuck doing the same thing every day? Aren't we meant to be travelers? If we were travelers, we would find a way to eat and make shelter because our lives depended on it yet we do the same thing now as stationary workers. Our lives depend on how much work we put out, but we're bored and we never spend time with the people we care about. Since becoming a mom, I don't want to settle for less. I want to be a family who travels and works together to make ends meet. Anyway, I have much more on my mind and plenty more to say, but I don't know how to say it anymore and it feels all jumbly. If you've made it this far in my post, thanks for reading and I hope I haven't disturbed your peace. Every once in a while, I need to write my frustrations down so I can figure out what to do next. So, that is all.
Until next time, everybody!
